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The Inspectors

 This is an excerpt from Phrases of Womanhood.  The section focuses on the absurdity of our body image obsessions.

 Recorded Voice or Audience Read: Before starting your day you must prepare for the world around you.  It is tough out there ladies.  Put on your armor.  Get your daily shield protection.  Find your place

Inspector #1:

It is time to put your faces on and pull it together Ladies.  Ready for inspection in 5, (dancers hurry to put their t-shirts on using the same character descriptions above) counting 5…4…3…2…1

Inspector #2:

Ladies, ladies, ladies, this will never do. 

 Inspector #1

We do not assign these uniforms randomly.  It takes considerable energy to have them perfectly fitted for each and every one of you.  Not to mention that some of you grow out of them or intentionally try to “misplace” them.

Inspector #2

Proper care of these uniforms must be taken to guarantee your appropriate rank is clearly displayed at all times. 

Inspector#1

Please resist the urge to personalize your uniforms.  They are in your care but, ARE NOT to be considered personal property. 

 The Inspectors begin individual inspections.  Making notes on clipboards as they examine each dancer.  They reach “ TOO SMALL”.

 Inspector # 1 (to Inspector # 2)

Inspector what did we cite this one for last time?

 Inspector #2

(Checks chart)  Let me see… ah yes.  We pointed her out for shame and ridicule because her bra size is 32B. (Stares at the dancers chest.)  And by the looks of it, a B- cup may be a bit of an exaggeration.

 Inspector #1:

32 B, (takes a moment to look her over) you are looking a little better today. 

 Inspector #2

Good to see you took our advice and invested in a good push-up bra.

 Inspector #1

Though these little bras are only temporary. 

Inspector #2

And once you take them off, you go back to well…. Nothing.

Inspector #1

I think you should consider simple corrective surgery for this particular deformity.

 Inspector #2

Oh, Absolutely. 

Inspector #1

Saline Implants could take you up to a DD-cup easily.  You really can’t say you’ve made any improvements until you develop a curvature of the spine. 

Inspector#2

It’s simply not feminine to be that flat chested.  You don’t want to go around looking like an adolescent boy, do you?

 Inspector #1

Do you?

Inspector #2: They move on to other dancers until they reach another the woman “TOO OLD”.

(checks chart) Mid to Late 30s.  mmmhhmmm…(making notes on her chart)

 Inspector #1:

mmmhhmmm… (Making notes on her chart)

 Inspector #2:

mmmhhmmm. Inspector #1 is this one married yet?  I don’t see any of that information in her chart here. 

Inspector #1:
(Searches clip board, eyes widen in horror)  NO!

Inspector #1 and Inspector #2 (at the same time):

Oh My!

Inspector #2

Mid to late 30s, and you’re not married yet. 

Inspector #1

Being this old and unmarried really only works for men dear.  It’s just not appropriate for a woman.

 Inspector #2

Start clipping coupons for Cat Food and Ensure, cause Honey, you’re well on your way to spinsterhood. 

(Inspector #1 & Inspector #2 share an annoying laugh together)

Inspector #1

Look Ladies, don’t you want to be beautiful like everybody else?

 Inspector#2

Don’t you want people to like you?

Inspector#1

Don’t you want to partner up with somebody so you can put all the hassles of thinking for yourself on somebody else’s shoulders?

 Inspector# 2

Lord help us all. I’m glad we caught all these errors today.  We can get you all started on a plan that will get you in total bondage I mean bliss in no time.

 Inspector#1

Oh yes absolutely! But how shall we customize for women in such a state of distress?  

(Inspector #1 & Inspector #2 pause to think)

 Inspector#2

If you were between the ages of 8 and 11, we would have the time it takes to thoroughly eat away at your self-esteem. 

Inspector#1

Eating disorders can be good for quick weight loss, but it takes so much time to really make a good eating disorder stick.  And TIME is what we have the least of!

 Inspector #2

It is not enough to be concerned about the way you appear to others.  It must be your first and only thought always.  After all, the way other people perceive you is really all that matters. 

Inspector#1

It is too late and entirely too much work, to slowly change your diet and increase your level of activity (said in a different voice as if imitating and mocking someone). That health nut mumbo jumbo is pure foolishness anyhow.

Inspector#2

Diet pills and Liposuction are the only way to go.  Try a little Laser rejuvenation for your lady friend, if you are really feeling fancy.

Inspector#1

Inspector, do you remember what’s her name?

Inspector#2

No girl, be more specific.

Inspector#1

You know what’s her name with the ….and all the ….

 Inspector#2

Oh yes I remember now, you mean …

Inspector#1

That’s the one.  Ladies, I tell you after her reconstructive surgery, well if she had survived her reconstructive surgery, she would have been drop dead gorgeous.

Inspector#1

I guess in the end she was drop dead gorgeous.

 (Inspector #1 & Inspector #2 share an annoying laugh)

 Inspector#2

Where are all my smiling faces? You all look pitiful!

 Inspector#1

Let’s not make this any harder than it needs to be.  Not that I encourage this, but if you are so dead set on being “HAPPY”, it comes in an assortment of vices now; you can pop it, sniff it, smoke it, shoot it, or drink it.

Inspector #2

Sweethearts, there are a number medications available by prescription, over the counter, or from your local narcotics dealer, that can take all your worries away.  

Inspector#1

Stop trying to paddle upstream.  Just go with the flow, like everybody else.

 Inspector #2

Trust us.  We know what we are telling you. 

Inspector #1

If you take our suggestions, without question, you’ll be just fine. 

 (Inspector #1 & Inspector #2 share their annoying laugh again)


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